Catch Me... If You Can

Ladies,
There is an epidemic that is sweeping our nation, and something must be done. Through a process of self examination, I realize that I too, have been infected by this epidemic but I will do what it takes to to rid myself of this harmful infection. So what infection am I talking about? Compromise. All over the nation, women are compromising something about themselves in order to get into relationships that are not what they deserve or need. This infection originates from the need to be needed. I have noticed these tenancies in my life and in the lives of others; we have all seen it. Girls, we have SO much going for us! We are smart, ambitious, passionate, driven and we know what we want. However, when it comes to men, Are these the kind of men we are dating?Not always. Although there are many exceptions, I see far to many remarkable women (myself included) trying to be "fixers". These women don't date the guys that know who they are, what they want and have a plan of making it happen. We don't swoon over the confident, self-assured guys with drive and direction. We're not interested in the guys who WANT US, hands down, no questions asked! We fall head over heels for the guys who have no clue what the want, and if they do, it's all talk! We go after the guys that wouldn't go after what they wanted if it physically stood two feet in front of them! We pick the guys who need to be inspired, the ones who need direction. We spend hours crying over guys who can't decide if they want to be with us or not, the non-commiters. Forget the guy who actually calls when he says he will, we pick the genius who "looses our number"... twice!! We pass up the well planned dinner offer for the off chance that MAYBE the other guy will ask us to "hang out". We choose the guys who cancel on us because they are tired, don't have the gas or are too busy. We are attracted to men who NEED us to inspire them, and give them direction...
Now, this is not their fault, they are just living their lives, who are we to judge? We can't say what's right for them. We, my dears, are the ones pouring ourselves into these guys, hoping that by inspiring and changing them, they will admire us. Perhaps, we need that because we don't really admire ourselves. Now the problem with this does not lie in the act of giving someone inspiration and direction, those are wonderful things! The problem arises when the "fixer" is not able to make permanent changes in the "project". When the project leaves, he may be better off because of what the fixer has done, but the fixer is left alone, and far emptier than before because the thing she needed to validate her didn't work in the way she subconsciously expected; she is left feeling as though she did something wrong, like she is not good enough. When I see this happening, in my life and in others it breaks my heart, because I KNOW we deserve better than we are allowing. There are a number of reasons why women participate in this dangerous game, but the one I want to bring to attention is fear. Marianne Willaimson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." So I want us to take a second and imagine what it might look like to live without that fear. What if, instead of focusing all of our energy on men who aren't ready to grow or don't want to grow, we focused on ourselves? What if we stopped looking for someone to direct and inspire, and became directed and inspired? If we could stop looking to someone else to love us before we loved ourselves, could we actually love MORE? What would it be like if we didn't NEED someone to validate, admire or respect us, because we felt validated, admired and respected on our own?? If we got completely, painfully honest with ourselves, are we going after the life we have dreamed about? What if we refused to compromise our convictions, water down our dreams or lower are standards? How would that feel? If we stopped being afraid, and got out of our own way, what would we be capable of?? We could change the world! We would be unstoppable! How would it feel to be with guys that knew they wanted us, and did what it took to get us?? What would it be like if instead of slowing ourselves down so these guys could catch us, we ran faster, and harder in the direction of OUR DREAMS?? Imagine having a man who admired you not because you complete him, but because you are so complete on your own! If we stepped up to our full potential ON EVERY LEVEL, would there be a man to step beside us? I am FULLY convinced there would! But it must start with us! We have to stop compromising who we are on any level because we are afraid of being alone, we must embrace the beautiful, talented, brilliant women that we are and continue to grow in love and in life. We must run fast towards our dreams, because no one will make them happen for us.
I certainly hope I am not alone in this, but I can only speak for myself. I'm through holding myself back for anyone or anything, including myself. I'm tired of making compromises just because it's easier to give in than to stand up for what I deserve. I'm running as fast as I can towards my dreams and will make them happen! And to all the guys out there, who may want me, then CATCH ME... if you can.

Amour*
Katie

Disclaimer: Guys, I realize this role is often reversed and you all get the short end of the stick... I know a lot of you do not fall into the categories I described. So please know I am not saying ALL GUYS ARE JERKS and I am most certainly not letting all girl's off the hook, we can really suck too. :)

Welcome to the 20's

The past month, make that year, my life has been total chaos. I have been an emotional roller coaster. One day, I'm so excited about where my life is headed and I can't wait to get started in that direction! Someone could hit me with almost anything and I would look on the bright side thinking, "I'm only 21, I have my whole life ahead of me!" Then, the next day, I'm in tears, scared out of my mind, and thinking, "I'm 21, my whole life is over!" The scariest part about it is, when I try to rationalize whats causing the water works, I can't, because in reality, nothing is terribly wrong, but at the same time nothing seems quite right either! For the sake of my sanity, please tell me I'm not alone in this!!!?
From the day we are allowed to watch PG-13 movies, we witness the drama and chaos of adolescence. We see the super sexy quarter back choose the vindictive cheerleader over the shy and sweet book worm and many variations of this teenage nightmare. Then when we get there ourselves we experience what it's like to have our first kiss, our first heart ache and our first indestructible pimple! Pop culture constantly makes light of middle aged adults experiencing their mid-life crisis. My favorite example of this is when Tom Scavo (on Desperate Housewives), enrolls himself in the local University as a Chinese literature major and refers to himself as "T-Scov" for an entire episode! Pop culture loves attempting to guide us through these stages of life, and while that's just great, my question is this: why was I never warned about the stage that comes in between these two extremes... the 20 something years?
The 20-something years are filled with first: first mortgage, first car payment, first adult relationship and first real career. These are all things many of us grew up wanting and even expecting. However, for some reason, now that it's here. It may not feel entirely right either. I have several 20-something friends that have worked hard to get their degrees and establish their careers and now that they have it, the only thing they are asking is, "Now what?". Then there are people like myself who still haven't got it figured out, but I'm very convinced that by the age of 21 I should know where I'm going, I should know my passions and I definitely should have at least published a book! Our twenties are filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I wonder if there will ever be a time in our lives when so much intense excitement meets so much confusion and anxiety. It is as if our 20-something lives are being viewed through some crazy fun house mirror; nothing is as it seems, everything is magnified and distorted. Through this perception, mountains are made from mole hills, lust is mistaken for love and heart aches feel like terminal heart breaks. Personally, my 20's so far have hinged around the one question that is a lot harder to answer than I every expected, Who am I? I don't try to focus on it, it just seems like every situation that presents itself is just the relentless Who am I in disguise. After several attempts to "find myself", I still end up doing and saying things that don't quite seem like me. At first this frustrated me, but after awhile, I began to learn that although I'm still in the process of creating my identity, through the process of elimination, I am at least able to identify who I am NOT. Perhaps life as a 20-something is just a process of trial and error. We are given a journey and a means of transportation. At times, its easier to pull over and stop instead of travel forward into the unknown. It seems safer to sit on the side of the road with our hazard lights on until we figure out precisely how we are going to get to where we want to be. The only draw back with that concept is that life can never consist of a smoothly paved road and an error proof map! It's full of twist and turns and if you live in Oklahoma, certainly a lot of pot-holes! With that being said, maybe the most effective road sign to follow is: Proceed with Caution-the operative word being proceed. We can cautiously guard our hearts and slowly adapt to adulthood, it's ok to have our fear and our uncertainties but it is imperative that we continue to move forward. Just like on any road trip, a parked car goes no where. Our journey through life as a 20-something is no different.

"Life is not about finding yourself, but creating yourself."
Amour*Katie

PS: Luckily, we are not alone on our journey to "adult-hood". Here a couple of sources that make the ride a little smoother:
1. Twenty Something, Twenty Everything by Christine Hassler is a must read for all twenty something women Her second book Twenty Something Manifesto is a great read for twenty something men and women.
2. It's a Wonderful Lie is a collection of essays written by established writers who have successful navigated through there 20 somethings. (If you feel alone and perhaps slightly crazy, this book will help!)
3. Last One Down the Aisle Wins by Celeste Fox and Shannon Liversidge helps young women realize all the things single life in our twenties is good for.