Leftovers

"A friend to all is a friend to none". -Socrates

The classic Greek philosopher made a good point. Upon first glance, this statement seems to be a little misguided, but after some thought, it is clear that he was correct. At some point in our lives we have all either been or witnessed the people-pleaser. The people-pleaser is the person who finds the need to make everyone happy, all the time. In theory, this sounds sounds great. Why wouldn't we strive to make everyone in our lives happy? In a perfect world, this would be a trait everyone should aspire to have! Unfortunately, the world we live in is not so perfect (newsflash, right!) and the tendency to constantly people please can be as detrimental to friendships as disloyalty and gossip. The trouble with trying to be friends with everyone, is there is only so much time and emotion to go around. When we spread ourselves to thin in friendships, someone ends up getting the short end of the stick; someone gets the leftovers.Think of this situation in terms of fine dining. First you enjoy the savory appetizer, then you get the warm bread and refreshing salad., next comes the entree that was well worth the wait, and finally dessert. Sometime if there is any food left, someone at home will get what remains; they get the leftovers. There are so only many courses in a meal and there are only so many hours in a day. Don't get me wrong, leftovers can still be tasty! But there is NO way you can compare the experience and taste of a four course meal to reheated cuisine on a plastic plate! When we give people our "leftover" we deprive ourselves and the other person of the precious gift of quality time. The difference between time and quality time is nothing more that the thought, attention and priority it is given. In the same way the dinner is much more memorable and enjoyable than the reheated leftovers, being a friend's priority is much more meaningful than being crammed in between previous engagements. In a world as busy and hectic as ours, I know having arranged, lengthy plans with friends isn't always realistic. But I do believe it is essential to the health of our friendships and relationships, that we identify when we are giving our friends leftovers and examine what is causing us to slack in quality. There are several factors that contribute to the lack of quality in our time; but the one I want to focus on is the need to please.To reiterate what I said earlier, when we try to befriend and please everyone we come in contact with, we inevitably end up missing out on the people who matter most in our lives. Those that we love, value and grow from. If we ever find ourselves playing the role of the habitual people-pleaser, it is important that we ask ourselves WHY we are feeling the need to please. Many of us would say it's because we want to make everyone happy. While this may be true to a certain extent, I would argue that beneath the desire to make everyone happy lies a possibly more powerful desire to not piss people off; a desire to keep the peace so that no one is mad at us! Of course it is okay to want people to be happy with us, but when it hinders relationships with people we truly care about, then it is time to reevaluate our priorities.

I encourage everyone to ask themselves the following questions:

1. Who (or what) is getting the main courses in my dinner? Am I happy with that answer?
-It is important that we understand where most of our quality time and energy is going. This allows us to make changes when they are necessary and continue to grow in our friendships and relationships.

2. Am I giving out a lot of "leftovers"? If so, to whom? Why? Is this OK with me?
-These questions help us identify if we are being that "friend to all...friend to none" Socrates warned about. We all have these struggles, so it is okay; but we owe it to ourselves and the people in our lives to determine who is being put on the back burner that may not deserve it.

3. Am I getting someone else's leftovers? If so, who's?
-The thing about friendships and relationships is that we we often get what we allow. It is essential that we stop and ask ourselves if we are being treated the way we deserve to be treated. If we are not, we must stand up for ourselves. (And of course treat our friends how we want them to treat us!) Note: If you're giving someone your main course, and you're consistently stuck on the couch with their lousy leftovers, it's time for that friend to start dining elsewhere!

Friendships are the basis for any healthy relationships, so it is important that we expect and apply the same principles we value in romantic relationships to our close friendships. When it comes down to it, many of the things we experience in romantic relationships have less to do with romance and more to do with respect and consideration, and isn't that what humanity should be about?

Amour* Katie

PS: To all of you who have ever gotten my leftovers, I'm sorry.