Ladies,
There is an epidemic that is sweeping our nation, and something must be done. Through a process of self examination, I realize that I too, have been infected by this epidemic but I will do what it takes to to rid myself of this harmful infection. So what infection am I talking about? Compromise. All over the nation, women are compromising something about themselves in order to get into relationships that are not what they deserve or need. This infection originates from the need to be needed. I have noticed these tenancies in my life and in the lives of others; we have all seen it. Girls, we have SO much going for us! We are smart, ambitious, passionate, driven and we know what we want. However, when it comes to men, Are these the kind of men we are dating?Not always. Although there are many exceptions, I see far to many remarkable women (myself included) trying to be "fixers". These women don't date the guys that know who they are, what they want and have a plan of making it happen. We don't swoon over the confident, self-assured guys with drive and direction. We're not interested in the guys who WANT US, hands down, no questions asked! We fall head over heels for the guys who have no clue what the want, and if they do, it's all talk! We go after the guys that wouldn't go after what they wanted if it physically stood two feet in front of them! We pick the guys who need to be inspired, the ones who need direction. We spend hours crying over guys who can't decide if they want to be with us or not, the non-commiters. Forget the guy who actually calls when he says he will, we pick the genius who "looses our number"... twice!! We pass up the well planned dinner offer for the off chance that MAYBE the other guy will ask us to "hang out". We choose the guys who cancel on us because they are tired, don't have the gas or are too busy. We are attracted to men who NEED us to inspire them, and give them direction...
Now, this is not their fault, they are just living their lives, who are we to judge? We can't say what's right for them. We, my dears, are the ones pouring ourselves into these guys, hoping that by inspiring and changing them, they will admire us. Perhaps, we need that because we don't really admire ourselves. Now the problem with this does not lie in the act of giving someone inspiration and direction, those are wonderful things! The problem arises when the "fixer" is not able to make permanent changes in the "project". When the project leaves, he may be better off because of what the fixer has done, but the fixer is left alone, and far emptier than before because the thing she needed to validate her didn't work in the way she subconsciously expected; she is left feeling as though she did something wrong, like she is not good enough. When I see this happening, in my life and in others it breaks my heart, because I KNOW we deserve better than we are allowing. There are a number of reasons why women participate in this dangerous game, but the one I want to bring to attention is fear. Marianne Willaimson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." So I want us to take a second and imagine what it might look like to live without that fear. What if, instead of focusing all of our energy on men who aren't ready to grow or don't want to grow, we focused on ourselves? What if we stopped looking for someone to direct and inspire, and became directed and inspired? If we could stop looking to someone else to love us before we loved ourselves, could we actually love MORE? What would it be like if we didn't NEED someone to validate, admire or respect us, because we felt validated, admired and respected on our own?? If we got completely, painfully honest with ourselves, are we going after the life we have dreamed about? What if we refused to compromise our convictions, water down our dreams or lower are standards? How would that feel? If we stopped being afraid, and got out of our own way, what would we be capable of?? We could change the world! We would be unstoppable! How would it feel to be with guys that knew they wanted us, and did what it took to get us?? What would it be like if instead of slowing ourselves down so these guys could catch us, we ran faster, and harder in the direction of OUR DREAMS?? Imagine having a man who admired you not because you complete him, but because you are so complete on your own! If we stepped up to our full potential ON EVERY LEVEL, would there be a man to step beside us? I am FULLY convinced there would! But it must start with us! We have to stop compromising who we are on any level because we are afraid of being alone, we must embrace the beautiful, talented, brilliant women that we are and continue to grow in love and in life. We must run fast towards our dreams, because no one will make them happen for us.
I certainly hope I am not alone in this, but I can only speak for myself. I'm through holding myself back for anyone or anything, including myself. I'm tired of making compromises just because it's easier to give in than to stand up for what I deserve. I'm running as fast as I can towards my dreams and will make them happen! And to all the guys out there, who may want me, then CATCH ME... if you can.
Amour*
Katie
Disclaimer: Guys, I realize this role is often reversed and you all get the short end of the stick... I know a lot of you do not fall into the categories I described. So please know I am not saying ALL GUYS ARE JERKS and I am most certainly not letting all girl's off the hook, we can really suck too. :)
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
You Get What You Need
"You can't always get what you want... but you get what you need".
-Rolling Stones
With Thanksgiving less than a week a way, I felt it would be appropriate to talk a little bit what I'm thankful for this year. Every year, I do my best to make note of all the blessings: my family, my health, my amazing friends and the opportunities I have just because I am alive and living here in the USA! While I am certainly still thankful for all of these things, today I want to talk about one thing I am grateful for this year, that I didn't really see coming: lessons.
We are all familiar with lessons. Ya know, those pesky, often painful things that are sometimes necessary for us to progress in life; growing pains. When I look back over my year, I see a lot of effort to make things happen, and in most cases... failure. Initially, when I look at these situations that have not turned out the way I wanted, I am tempted to think, "Is the universe playing some cruel joke on me, conspiring against me so I am incapable of getting what I want!??!" But after the initial injury to my pride wears off and I can look back on these situations, my vision is 20/20. Perhaps a different outcome may have been what I wanted... but it's not what I NEEDED. I got exactly what I needed. That's the thing about growth, it isn't always enjoyable and let's be honest, at times, it really sucks, because it is HARD! I'm convinced that I would rather sit through an extra semester of math than have to put up with pain and confusion that accompanies these "growing-pains". But I realize, if I ever hope to become what Abraham Maslow refers to as "self-actualized", living up to my full potential, I must learn to look past what I want and appreciate the fact that I am getting what I need.
For example: This summer I went to the East coast, NYC and New Jersey to be precise. I went out there with the intention and expectation of relocating in the fall. I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't know very many people but I just KNEW I wanted to be there and that God was going to help me make my dream of living in NYC a reality. Long story short, I did not move to NYC. Towards the end of the summer, when I realized there was not going to be a miracle that somehow allowed me to move and start school in Manhattan. I was CRUSHED... literally, devastated. I didn't get it, I wanted to be there SO SO bad. I was willing to find a job and live in a tiny apartment with a couple of roommates, and maybe even a few bugs just so I could be there!! Why didn't God not back me up?? Why did I not get what I had set my heart on... Well after coming back to Oklahoma, going back to school here and getting back into the swing of the landlocked life, it hit me. THIS is what I NEEDED. At this point in my life, I didn't need a supernatural miracle that was going to help me start my life thousands of miles away, I needed a lesson! I needed to learn how to set a goal and work diligently until it became attainable. I needed to learn patience. When I first had this revelation, it humbled me. There I was, throwing a hissy-fit because I felt like God had "failed" me, kicked me to the curb, left me in the dust [insert other feeling sorry for myself analogies]; when in reality, he provided me with something far better than NYC ever could... growth.
Sometimes I think about what would have happened if it would have worked out and moved in September like I hoped to. Well I don't know what life there would be like, but I do know what I would have missed out on here: I would not have another semester of school under my belt, I wouldn't have the adorable affordable apartment I have now, I may never have met the life changing people I have met since I've gotten back and of course, I never would have learned the OTHER lessons that I have learned this fall! By being where I am now, I have had the chance to discover more of what I'm passionate about and more about who I am. Could that have happened in NYC, maybe, but there is no guarantee. If things wouldn't have happened the way they did, it is quite possible that I would have missed out on not only those things,but more... When I reflect on what I have learned, I am convinced that there is something out there that not only knows what we want, but what we NEED in order to ultimately get what we truly desire. There is a constant battle going on between our ego's and our higher self. The ego says things like, "I want this RIGHT NOW because... well I WANT IT!" Our higher self is able to say, "Right now, I NEED this because this is a lesson I have to learn in order to become the person I ultimately want to be and in the long run get what I really desire". It shows growth, to be able to look at the bigger picture and choose what you need, even if it contradicts what your ego may want.
The events that keep happening throughout this year are teaching me to trust that even when I don't think it is working out, I am getting exactly what I need...
The interesting thing about getting what we need is that it allows us to grow, learn, and become...and in the end... get what we truly want. And for that I am so, so thankful.
What are you thankful for?
*Amour
Katie
-Rolling Stones
With Thanksgiving less than a week a way, I felt it would be appropriate to talk a little bit what I'm thankful for this year. Every year, I do my best to make note of all the blessings: my family, my health, my amazing friends and the opportunities I have just because I am alive and living here in the USA! While I am certainly still thankful for all of these things, today I want to talk about one thing I am grateful for this year, that I didn't really see coming: lessons.
We are all familiar with lessons. Ya know, those pesky, often painful things that are sometimes necessary for us to progress in life; growing pains. When I look back over my year, I see a lot of effort to make things happen, and in most cases... failure. Initially, when I look at these situations that have not turned out the way I wanted, I am tempted to think, "Is the universe playing some cruel joke on me, conspiring against me so I am incapable of getting what I want!??!" But after the initial injury to my pride wears off and I can look back on these situations, my vision is 20/20. Perhaps a different outcome may have been what I wanted... but it's not what I NEEDED. I got exactly what I needed. That's the thing about growth, it isn't always enjoyable and let's be honest, at times, it really sucks, because it is HARD! I'm convinced that I would rather sit through an extra semester of math than have to put up with pain and confusion that accompanies these "growing-pains". But I realize, if I ever hope to become what Abraham Maslow refers to as "self-actualized", living up to my full potential, I must learn to look past what I want and appreciate the fact that I am getting what I need.
For example: This summer I went to the East coast, NYC and New Jersey to be precise. I went out there with the intention and expectation of relocating in the fall. I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't know very many people but I just KNEW I wanted to be there and that God was going to help me make my dream of living in NYC a reality. Long story short, I did not move to NYC. Towards the end of the summer, when I realized there was not going to be a miracle that somehow allowed me to move and start school in Manhattan. I was CRUSHED... literally, devastated. I didn't get it, I wanted to be there SO SO bad. I was willing to find a job and live in a tiny apartment with a couple of roommates, and maybe even a few bugs just so I could be there!! Why didn't God not back me up?? Why did I not get what I had set my heart on... Well after coming back to Oklahoma, going back to school here and getting back into the swing of the landlocked life, it hit me. THIS is what I NEEDED. At this point in my life, I didn't need a supernatural miracle that was going to help me start my life thousands of miles away, I needed a lesson! I needed to learn how to set a goal and work diligently until it became attainable. I needed to learn patience. When I first had this revelation, it humbled me. There I was, throwing a hissy-fit because I felt like God had "failed" me, kicked me to the curb, left me in the dust [insert other feeling sorry for myself analogies]; when in reality, he provided me with something far better than NYC ever could... growth.
Sometimes I think about what would have happened if it would have worked out and moved in September like I hoped to. Well I don't know what life there would be like, but I do know what I would have missed out on here: I would not have another semester of school under my belt, I wouldn't have the adorable affordable apartment I have now, I may never have met the life changing people I have met since I've gotten back and of course, I never would have learned the OTHER lessons that I have learned this fall! By being where I am now, I have had the chance to discover more of what I'm passionate about and more about who I am. Could that have happened in NYC, maybe, but there is no guarantee. If things wouldn't have happened the way they did, it is quite possible that I would have missed out on not only those things,but more... When I reflect on what I have learned, I am convinced that there is something out there that not only knows what we want, but what we NEED in order to ultimately get what we truly desire. There is a constant battle going on between our ego's and our higher self. The ego says things like, "I want this RIGHT NOW because... well I WANT IT!" Our higher self is able to say, "Right now, I NEED this because this is a lesson I have to learn in order to become the person I ultimately want to be and in the long run get what I really desire". It shows growth, to be able to look at the bigger picture and choose what you need, even if it contradicts what your ego may want.
The events that keep happening throughout this year are teaching me to trust that even when I don't think it is working out, I am getting exactly what I need...
The interesting thing about getting what we need is that it allows us to grow, learn, and become...and in the end... get what we truly want. And for that I am so, so thankful.
What are you thankful for?
*Amour
Katie
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Leftovers
"A friend to all is a friend to none". -Socrates
The classic Greek philosopher made a good point. Upon first glance, this statement seems to be a little misguided, but after some thought, it is clear that he was correct. At some point in our lives we have all either been or witnessed the people-pleaser. The people-pleaser is the person who finds the need to make everyone happy, all the time. In theory, this sounds sounds great. Why wouldn't we strive to make everyone in our lives happy? In a perfect world, this would be a trait everyone should aspire to have! Unfortunately, the world we live in is not so perfect (newsflash, right!) and the tendency to constantly people please can be as detrimental to friendships as disloyalty and gossip. The trouble with trying to be friends with everyone, is there is only so much time and emotion to go around. When we spread ourselves to thin in friendships, someone ends up getting the short end of the stick; someone gets the leftovers.Think of this situation in terms of fine dining. First you enjoy the savory appetizer, then you get the warm bread and refreshing salad., next comes the entree that was well worth the wait, and finally dessert. Sometime if there is any food left, someone at home will get what remains; they get the leftovers. There are so only many courses in a meal and there are only so many hours in a day. Don't get me wrong, leftovers can still be tasty! But there is NO way you can compare the experience and taste of a four course meal to reheated cuisine on a plastic plate! When we give people our "leftover" we deprive ourselves and the other person of the precious gift of quality time. The difference between time and quality time is nothing more that the thought, attention and priority it is given. In the same way the dinner is much more memorable and enjoyable than the reheated leftovers, being a friend's priority is much more meaningful than being crammed in between previous engagements. In a world as busy and hectic as ours, I know having arranged, lengthy plans with friends isn't always realistic. But I do believe it is essential to the health of our friendships and relationships, that we identify when we are giving our friends leftovers and examine what is causing us to slack in quality. There are several factors that contribute to the lack of quality in our time; but the one I want to focus on is the need to please.To reiterate what I said earlier, when we try to befriend and please everyone we come in contact with, we inevitably end up missing out on the people who matter most in our lives. Those that we love, value and grow from. If we ever find ourselves playing the role of the habitual people-pleaser, it is important that we ask ourselves WHY we are feeling the need to please. Many of us would say it's because we want to make everyone happy. While this may be true to a certain extent, I would argue that beneath the desire to make everyone happy lies a possibly more powerful desire to not piss people off; a desire to keep the peace so that no one is mad at us! Of course it is okay to want people to be happy with us, but when it hinders relationships with people we truly care about, then it is time to reevaluate our priorities.
I encourage everyone to ask themselves the following questions:
1. Who (or what) is getting the main courses in my dinner? Am I happy with that answer?
-It is important that we understand where most of our quality time and energy is going. This allows us to make changes when they are necessary and continue to grow in our friendships and relationships.
2. Am I giving out a lot of "leftovers"? If so, to whom? Why? Is this OK with me?
-These questions help us identify if we are being that "friend to all...friend to none" Socrates warned about. We all have these struggles, so it is okay; but we owe it to ourselves and the people in our lives to determine who is being put on the back burner that may not deserve it.
3. Am I getting someone else's leftovers? If so, who's?
-The thing about friendships and relationships is that we we often get what we allow. It is essential that we stop and ask ourselves if we are being treated the way we deserve to be treated. If we are not, we must stand up for ourselves. (And of course treat our friends how we want them to treat us!) Note: If you're giving someone your main course, and you're consistently stuck on the couch with their lousy leftovers, it's time for that friend to start dining elsewhere!
Friendships are the basis for any healthy relationships, so it is important that we expect and apply the same principles we value in romantic relationships to our close friendships. When it comes down to it, many of the things we experience in romantic relationships have less to do with romance and more to do with respect and consideration, and isn't that what humanity should be about?
Amour* Katie
PS: To all of you who have ever gotten my leftovers, I'm sorry.
The classic Greek philosopher made a good point. Upon first glance, this statement seems to be a little misguided, but after some thought, it is clear that he was correct. At some point in our lives we have all either been or witnessed the people-pleaser. The people-pleaser is the person who finds the need to make everyone happy, all the time. In theory, this sounds sounds great. Why wouldn't we strive to make everyone in our lives happy? In a perfect world, this would be a trait everyone should aspire to have! Unfortunately, the world we live in is not so perfect (newsflash, right!) and the tendency to constantly people please can be as detrimental to friendships as disloyalty and gossip. The trouble with trying to be friends with everyone, is there is only so much time and emotion to go around. When we spread ourselves to thin in friendships, someone ends up getting the short end of the stick; someone gets the leftovers.Think of this situation in terms of fine dining. First you enjoy the savory appetizer, then you get the warm bread and refreshing salad., next comes the entree that was well worth the wait, and finally dessert. Sometime if there is any food left, someone at home will get what remains; they get the leftovers. There are so only many courses in a meal and there are only so many hours in a day. Don't get me wrong, leftovers can still be tasty! But there is NO way you can compare the experience and taste of a four course meal to reheated cuisine on a plastic plate! When we give people our "leftover" we deprive ourselves and the other person of the precious gift of quality time. The difference between time and quality time is nothing more that the thought, attention and priority it is given. In the same way the dinner is much more memorable and enjoyable than the reheated leftovers, being a friend's priority is much more meaningful than being crammed in between previous engagements. In a world as busy and hectic as ours, I know having arranged, lengthy plans with friends isn't always realistic. But I do believe it is essential to the health of our friendships and relationships, that we identify when we are giving our friends leftovers and examine what is causing us to slack in quality. There are several factors that contribute to the lack of quality in our time; but the one I want to focus on is the need to please.To reiterate what I said earlier, when we try to befriend and please everyone we come in contact with, we inevitably end up missing out on the people who matter most in our lives. Those that we love, value and grow from. If we ever find ourselves playing the role of the habitual people-pleaser, it is important that we ask ourselves WHY we are feeling the need to please. Many of us would say it's because we want to make everyone happy. While this may be true to a certain extent, I would argue that beneath the desire to make everyone happy lies a possibly more powerful desire to not piss people off; a desire to keep the peace so that no one is mad at us! Of course it is okay to want people to be happy with us, but when it hinders relationships with people we truly care about, then it is time to reevaluate our priorities.
I encourage everyone to ask themselves the following questions:
1. Who (or what) is getting the main courses in my dinner? Am I happy with that answer?
-It is important that we understand where most of our quality time and energy is going. This allows us to make changes when they are necessary and continue to grow in our friendships and relationships.
2. Am I giving out a lot of "leftovers"? If so, to whom? Why? Is this OK with me?
-These questions help us identify if we are being that "friend to all...friend to none" Socrates warned about. We all have these struggles, so it is okay; but we owe it to ourselves and the people in our lives to determine who is being put on the back burner that may not deserve it.
3. Am I getting someone else's leftovers? If so, who's?
-The thing about friendships and relationships is that we we often get what we allow. It is essential that we stop and ask ourselves if we are being treated the way we deserve to be treated. If we are not, we must stand up for ourselves. (And of course treat our friends how we want them to treat us!) Note: If you're giving someone your main course, and you're consistently stuck on the couch with their lousy leftovers, it's time for that friend to start dining elsewhere!
Friendships are the basis for any healthy relationships, so it is important that we expect and apply the same principles we value in romantic relationships to our close friendships. When it comes down to it, many of the things we experience in romantic relationships have less to do with romance and more to do with respect and consideration, and isn't that what humanity should be about?
Amour* Katie
PS: To all of you who have ever gotten my leftovers, I'm sorry.
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